3 Tips for Dealing with Toddler Tantrums
You broke their toast. You put the wrong shorts on them. You asked them to take a bath after playing in the mud. You don’t know what a “beglanot” is. Their ice cream is too cold; their hot chocolate is too hot. Your toddler is screaming, kicking, flailing, and you don’t know what to do anymore! You need help dealing with your toddler’s tantrums.
Your toddler is deep into a tantrum and you’re too exhausted for this today. Toddlers are known for their unreasonableness. Just take a look at #whymytoddleriscrying for some real validation of your experience. Parenting toddlers is no joke! Read on for three of my top tips how to stop your toddler from screaming:
Keep Calm and Tame the Tantrum
When your toddler is pinching your things and screaming, keeping calm feels like the least rational response. You’ve probably heard this advice before. You know it’s not helpful to tantrum right along side your kid, but you seriously need to get to work on time! Let’s start with why parenting experts advise you to keep calm during toddler tantrums. Toddlers’ brains are not yet skilled at regulating emotions. Broken toast feels just as threatening to them as mom leaving them home alone.
When toddler emotions ramp up, they don’t yet have to grown-up tools needed to calm down. How do toddlers learn to calm down? They learn it from checking in on the emotions of their primary attachment figures. That’s you mom or dad. When the toddler brain goes into an irrational emotional state, it looks for an adult to help it get back online. This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint – If I think I might be in danger and mom is panicking, then I really am in danger. If I think I might be in danger and mom is calm, then I am safe.
By regulating your emotions, your toddler can learn to regulate their emotions. This is why it seems like your kid wants to follow you around and scream even when you walk away. This doesn’t mean you have to give into the demand-du-jour. This just means your calm presence will help tame the tantrum faster.
It’s not working…the tantrum is continuing! Do a biology check!
Let’s be real, you can be completely calm and level headed and still have a two year old with a severe tantrum. Now it’s time to check on that toddler’s biology. Is she hungry, tired, sick? I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve forgotten that my kid skipped snack time and that’s the true source of the tantrum. If your child hasn’t eaten, didn’t sleep well, or is coming down with a cold, they have even fewer resources to regulate their emotions. Do what you can to meet the biological need for food, sleep, or comfort first. Sometimes this means a car ride to induce a nap, or a less than ideal snack before dinner.
Nope, he just ate, he’s healthy as a horse and he slept like an angel last night. It’s still happening…
When you are facing frequent tantrums that seem out of character for your child, and you’ve ruled out any medical condition, then it’s time to look for other unmet needs. The most common of these is attention.
How can that be? I literally give this kid everything he asks for and I’m with him 24-7!
Attention – the Hidden Need Behind Many Toddler Tantrums
Toddlers definitely require a lot of attention. If you’re somebody who enjoys alone time, toddlers can really feel like they are sucking the life out of you. Notice what kind of attention you are providing to your toddler. Are you distractedly serving breakfast while you make lunches, talk on the phone, or watch the news? Your toddler’s tantrum might be a way to get 100% of your focus on her. When was the last time you gave your toddler 15 minutes of undivided attention to do whatever he or she wanted? When your toddler wants to help you bake, clean, or fix something, do you find yourself telling them they’re too small? Or do you find it difficult to let them make a mess or make a mistake? These are all times where your toddler was asking for a specific type of attention from you – watch me, teach me, learn with me.
You probably were made well aware of your toddler’s need for healthy food, medical care, teeth brushing, and sleep the last time you spoke to a pediatrician. Did your child’s doctor also tell you about their developmental need for your attention? Attention is more than just meeting basic needs. As therapists, we teach parents about engaging in attuned play and activity. It’s amazing how easy it is to full up the toddler’s attention gas tank when you stop what you’re doing and really engage.
We hope these tips were helpful. Remember, keep calm, check biology (hungry/tired/sick), check for attention needs. If you’re still wondering when to worry about toddler tantrums or looking for more strategies for dealing with toddler tantrums, Reach out today for a free phone consultation.