Three Tips to Tackle Your Parenting Insecurities
Your friends on Social Media seem to have it all together. They feed their children balanced meals, they take amazing vacations, their children can sing the ABC’s backwards, and their houses area always clean! Meanwhile, you can’t find your keys and your forgot to pack wipes on your last outing to the zoo, which ended in tears for you and your kids! Parenting insecurities are a part of the process of “learning” this new and monumentally difficult job of parenting young children.
The questions are endless and the answers are never clear…
It’s easy to become bogged down in feelings of guilt that you aren’t doing parenting “right.” There’s no manual and there’s so much conflicting information out there. Is it bad to let your baby cry it out? Will they be damaged for life? Should you let your six year old play football? Is their fragile head going to be smooshed under a 90-pound child linebacker? How many snacks are too many snacks? What if my kid never ever ever eats vegetables?
How to find your confidence and trust your instincts
Let’s be honest, nobody knows for sure the right answers to these parenting questions. That’s because the “right” answer for you might be very different that the “right” answer for another parent. The first step to decreasing parenting insecurities is to end the comparison game. The feedback you get from viewing social media posts or even talking to other parents at the playground is not an accurate picture of real life for those families. We all put our best face forward; most parents aren’t posting pictures of their child’s tantrum after taking the tablet away.
In the words of Theodore Roosevelt, “Comparison is the thief of joy.“
Take a social media break for 3-4 weeks. When you’re tempted to compulsively look at your phone for a social media “hit,” instead take a deep breath and look at your child. What are they doing right now? What do they enjoy? What’s the essence of your child’s spirit and when do they seem most comfortable in their own skin? These answers will help guide you toward a parenting style that fits your child’s needs. If you have more than one child, your approach for each of them might be different. Your little people hold all of the answers to what they need from you. Is your child clingy and asking for your attention 24/7? Try arranging 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time with him each day. Is you little one climbing the couch cushions, scaling the walls, and jumping off the top of the slide? Give her plenty of gross motor activity time- a gymnastics class, a romp through deep snow, a hike over big rocks and tree stumps! When we pause and listen to our children, we can find the answers to what they need from us right now.
Reflect on your family’s values and what’s important to you…
Have a talk with your partner, co-parents, and fellow caretakers. What’s most important to you in raising your children? Are you a family that values nature and the outdoors? When was the last time you went on a family camping trip or had a forest scavenger hunt? If raising adventurous children who appreciate the beauty of the outdoors is important to you, think of three ways you can spend more time in nature. This might mean you give up going to every birthday party or sports game.
Do you want your children to grow into team players that know how to solve problems with peers? Are they engaged in both structured and unstructured play with children their age? Perhaps you are signed up for lots of sports that include coaching toward team work and team goals, but your children haven’t mastered these skills with friends on the playground. Think of ways you can incorporate both structured and unstructured play with friends and peers.
Of course, all of these things are important and it can be difficult to narrow down the most important values for your family. You can’t do it all and raise perfect people. In fact, you wouldn’t want to! You want to embrace the individuality of your children and your family. Parenting counseling is a great way to hone in on your specific values as a family. If you aren’t sure how to narrow down your values or you find yourself in conflict about this with your partner, reach out to us for a parenting counseling consult and find out how we can help!
Don’t solve a problem you don’t have yet…
If you find yourself focusing on your future children and all of the ways they might become ax murderers, you’re probably solving a lot of problems that you don’t have and you never will have! Part of the work of parenting counseling is working with parents on understanding what problems their children have now and which future worries might never come to fruition. A wise therapist once said, “Kids are weird.” The wise therapist is me. Kids do strange things as they grow and change, but many times these strange things are just part of normal human development! Our amnesia about our own childhoods or the behaviors of our older children can be our worst enemy in parenting.
Parenting counseling can help you understand whether your child’s behaviors, moods, and quirks are within the realm of “normal” for their developmental age. Do you need to worry about these mood swings right now? Are you fighting with your 11-year-old more than is normal for that age? Is your 3-year old going to keep having tantrums in the check out line when he’s 16? Sometimes you know the answer to these questions when you take a moment to self reflect. However, sometimes the answer isn’t quite clear. We truly encourage you to stop consulting google where you can become bogged down in confusing mixed messages. Consult a professional therapist on your child’s behaviors. If there is a need for further evaluation, we can provide you with useful recommendations. Many times, we can provide you with the reassurance that your child will grow into a healthy adult with just a few tweaks to your parenting approach.
Still struggling with parenting insecurity? Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Parenting Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.