Positive Parenting Techniques You Can Use Today

You’ve read about positive parenting but you need some simple and actionable positive parenting techniques you can use in your home today.  “Positive Parenting” has become a bit of a buzzword among parenting experts over the years.  But what is Positive Parenting?  How can a parent start to practice “Positive Parenting” if such a term didn’t even exist when you were a child!  Think of Positive Parenting as parenting as your child’s teacher, mentor, and guide.  Rather than seeking total control or attempting to prevent your child from making mistakes, you are the Mr. Miyagi of parenting- helping your child master life skills with patience, joy, and personal emotional control.  

As your child grows and develops, his or her needs will change.  They will seek your guidance and support in new ways and you will find yourself having to adapt to their growing needs.  The techniques below are broken up into age groups to help you find one or two strategies you can start to use today.  Remember, all children develop at their own pace and you might find that your child is responding well to techniques from another age group.  Look at the child in front of you – trust your instincts as the expert on your child.  When in doubt, ask for help!

Positive Parenting Techniques for Ages 0 – 2

Your face is your child’s favorite toy.  You will be bombarded with squeaky, jingly, crinkly and cute toys over the next few years.  But, remember that your child delights in your eye contact and smile more than any other store-bough toy.  When your child is a bit fussy as you’re trying to get chores done or pack to leave the house, pause for 30 seconds to engage.  Smile, talk to your little one, and make eye contact.  Thirty seconds of engagement might be just what your child was asking for. 

Soothing with touch.  Remember your postpartum nurse encouraging skin to skin contact with your newborn?  Babies co-regulate with their caretakers through physical touch.  It regulates temperature, heart rate, and emotions.  Even after the first three weeks of life, gentle and loving touch sooths your child, helps him regulate his bodily functions, and allows her to feel safe to explore. 

Positive Parenting Techniques for Ages 2 – 5 

Choose your battles.  The preschool years are full of battles – over baths, socks, clothes, toys, television shows…the list goes on!  As your little one begins to understand her impact on the world around her and her separation from you, she experiments with making her own decisions.  When faced with battles, ask yourself whether this is a choice it is OK for your child to make?  What harm will come from her mismatched socks?  If there  isn’t anything significant, allow your child the empowering experience of choosing socks today.  Meanwhile, buckling the car seat isn’t a choice.  No need to provide a long explanation.  A simple, “it isn’t safe to travel without seatbelts” will suffice unless more questions follow.  The goal of positive parenting is to allow exploration while simultaneously offering nurturing guidance and protective limits.  

Positive Parenting Techniques for Ages 6 – 8 

Encourage exploration.  Ask your child, “What is one thing you’d like to be able to do on your own that you haven’t yet?”  Perhaps it’s walking to a friend’s home or making a purchase at the store on his own.  Maybe your child has always wanted to slice vegetables but you’ve never allowed her to use a knife.  Now is the time to swallow some parenting fears and realize you’ve raised a functioning human who can make good decisions when faced with a challenge!  Obviously, as always, know your child’s limits, but don’t set limits based on what others might think or exaggerated fears based on some very small chance of something bad happening.  Equip your child with the tools and knowledge he needs to tackle this new independent challenge.  Then, sit back and watch your amazing child achieve something new.  If it doesn’t go as planned, don’t fret as you can turn any challenge into an opportunity for learning and growth. 

Explore your child’s deep moral compass.  This is the age when children start to understand problems from varying perspectives.  They might be upset by seeing one friend be unkind to another at school.  They might ask why school shootings occur or why people harm children.  Rather than try to minimize their worries or oversimplify the world, explore these questions with your child.  “I wonder how that felt for Beth when Shelly left her out of the game…  How did it feel for you?”  When faced with hard questions about death, scary news, or other unfortunate events, try to understand what your child is looking for.  Don’t shy away from these tough conversations.  When you engage with their deep questions, you send the message to your child that you are here to talk about anything.  As the social challenges get more complicated with age, your child will seek your support to explore them.  

Positive Parenting Techniques for Ages 9-11 

Don’t give into the rejection too easily.  Your child may begin to pull away from you emotionally.  She may not want to watch TV together or snuggle in bed on Saturday mornings.  He may seem embarrassed by you and want space.  Of course, respect your child’s need for privacy, personal space and a separate life.  However, be sure to prioritize continued one-to-one time with your child.  Even if it’s met with an eye roll!  This might be hard to squeeze in around sports, parties, and social activities, but you can likely find time for a special breakfast at the diner, heart to heart on the way to soccer practice, or friendly banter while prepping dinner.  Make sure your child still knows that you delight in him, love watching him grow, and take an interest in the person he is becoming. 

Encourage your child to support the functioning of the house with a few chores that are just hers.  Research shows that habits form best when the same action is repeated over and over.  Rather than changing chores weekly, choose one or two tasks that your child will do daily or weekly for a few months.  Before long, she will be doing these things without reminders (hopefully!).    Remember the tip from the previous age range about independence – don’t choose chores that might seem baby-ish.  Your child will know that he’s not really helping and you’re just giving busy work.  Choose a responsibility that actually supports the household: Taking out the garbage, changing garbage bags, prepping food, washing sinks, vacuuming, even mowing grass.  Remember to look at the child in front of you – what is she capable of doing with a little help and guidance?  

Positive Parenting Techniques for Ages 12+

See the mood behind the ‘tude.  The teen years are full of attitude and sass.  You knew it was coming but it’s still painful.  Look deeper than the attitude to see if you can detect an unmet need for your child.  Is he tired, hungry, sick?  Even those toddler needs can be forgotten by your busy teen.  Is she having trouble with friends?  Feeling rejected that mom or dad has a new and busier job?  Adolescents are working hard to figure out who they are in the world and they can have a great deal of trouble knowing when to ask mom or dad for help.  Wait until your child is in a calmer state to ask if he or she wants to talk.  Be sincere in your observations- “Something seems off, you OK?”  This doesn’t mean you “allow” a nasty attitude.  However, your child likely knows his words are hurtful.  Oftentimes, by acknowledging your child’s emotional needs, you’ll be met with an apology before you even have time to suggest it.  

Allow mistakes.  Even if it kills you, allow mistakes.  Do not swoop in and rescue your child from every instance of poor judgment.  If he’s waiting too long to work on that history project, you get one or two chances to remind him.  When he has to pull an all nighter, you don’t need to rub it in.  He’ll learn from the experience.  If she’s being cruel to her friend of many years, you might gently offer some perspective.  But you can’t call her friend’s mom and try to arrange for an opportunity to right your child’s wrongs.  Your efforts will only be met with disgust and disdain.  There very well may be parts of your child’s world that you are no longer privy to.  You have to trust that your years of teaching right from wrong, guiding decisions, and offering support will pay off with a child who mostly does the right thing, and always makes repairs when he makes a mistake.   

Still struggling to find parenting techniques that work for your family?  Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Parenting Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.