How Can I Help My Child with Anxiety?

Your child avoids trying new things, can’t sleep at night because of worries, asks you the same questions over and over again, or feels sick because of his/her stress and worry.  You see him missing out on exciting childhood experiences.  You worry about signing her up for a new summer camp or taking her to a new place, for fear that her anxiety will prevent her from enjoying it.  You want the best for your child and you want him to be able to enjoy life’s little moments without anxiety, stress, and worry getting in the way.  

Childhood anxiety is on the rise

More parents are seeking support, treatment and therapy for their child’s anxiety than ever before.  Certainly greater awareness and attunement to the child’s needs contribute to the rise in child anxiety treatment.  Additionally, great changes in our culture, children’s limited access to the outdoors and unstructured play, and increased exposure to stressful imagery are contributing factors to the increase in anxiety seen in children.  Finally, your child just survived a pandemic, an experience that invoked anxiety in most of us.  You couldn’t predict how the world would look today so that you could reassure your child about what was to come.  However, you do have the tools to help your child with anxiety and provide an environment that encourages resilience, growth, and courage.  

Parents can help children with anxiety 

Children with anxiety are not the same as adults with anxiety.  Children with anxiety generally don’t ask to go to therapy or sign up for yoga classes because of their upsetting symptoms.  Children with anxiety end up in treatment because a concerned parent seems them struggling and wants to help them overcome their anxiety.  At Skylands Wellness, we work with those parents to create a “therapeutic environment” that decreases the child’s anxiety and increases their coping skills.  We work with parents as the primary tool in treating anxiety because we have seen over and over how powerful the concerned parent can be in helping the child.  In fact, parent-centered anxiety treatment has been supported by Yale research – you can read more about that here.  

Did I cause my child’s anxiety?

You didn’t “cause” your child to develop anxiety and you aren’t to blame.  Your child may be predisposed to anxiety because of a family history or genetic component.  Your child may have learned some anxious coping along the way from adults in the home, but parents are not to blame for this.  We know that parents are doing the best they can to protect and nurture healthy children.  If a child is struggling with anxiety, they likely would have struggled with anxiety with any caretaker.  However, that doesn’t mean that parents can’t implement strategies to improve their child’s coping.  We teach caretakers to parent the child in front of them – this means there isn’t one strategy or style that’s going to work for every child.   

Begin with self-reflection 

The first step to helping your child manage anxiety is to understand your own.  Do you struggle with worrying? Predicting bad events? Focusing on the negative?  What have you learned to do with your anxiety over the years.  Do you ignore it?  Try to understand it?  Avoid difficult situations?  If your own anxiety isn’t well managed, it may be difficult for you to support your child in managing his or her anxiety.  Start with identifying your triggers, noticing the thoughts going through your mind at the time, and noticing the feelings that develop.  How do you react?  If you’re avoiding, shutting down, or losing your cool with anxious feelings, then you likely need support in managing your own anxiety.  By understanding yourself better, you’ll be better equipped to help your child.  

Try this simple exercise to gain relief from anxiety in the moment and regulate your emotions.  Take a deep breath.  Exhale slowly.  Look around the room.  Take note of five things you see.  Next notice four things you feel on your body (the chair on your things, the feel of your shirt against your skin, cool air from a fan, sunlight on your arm, etc).  Now notice three things you can hear.  Two things you can smell.  One thing you can taste.  This exercise brings you back to the present moment and takes you out of anxious mind.  If you notice yourself becoming anxious, engage in this exercise or another calming/grounding technique to bring you back into regulation. 

Balance the push and hold

If your child is struggling with anxiety, he likely avoids certain activities or experiences that trigger anxious feelings.  You can teach your child strategies to find calm in the moment.  You can become tempted to avoid all stressful experiences, knowing that it will likely result in a meltdown or tantrum.  Alternatively, you can become so frustrated that you push your child into the activity, ripping off the band aid and hoping for the best.  We encourage a balance of these approaches.  Learn the magical phrase, “You’ll do it when you’re ready.”  You are not telling your child they will never do it, nor are you forcing your child into an experience.  You are offering to be with them while they face something challenging.  Your child needs to know that you will be there to help them regulate their emotions.  But if you prevent your child from facing any challenges, you send the message that you know he can’t handle it.  You want to send the message, “I know you can handle it and you don’t have to do it alone.”  We encourage planned and thoughtful challenges for your child to slowly build tolerance and a sense of accomplishment.  

Let’s sum it up

There are two primary strategies. Calm and regulated parents.  Gradual and planned exposure to challenges.  Overtime, your child will develop coping skills and a true sense of her ability to manage her own anxious feelings.   For some parents, these two strategies are already in their back pocket waiting to be used.  For many, a little professional support helps in enhancing personal coping skills so your child can succeed in managing her anxiety.  If you need support in helping your anxious child, please reach out today.  We will never judge you, blame you, or shame you.  We truly believe parents know their children best and are best suited to help their children succeed.  

Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Parenting Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.