Three Tips for Reconnecting with Your Partner
You feel more like roommates than lovers. You are so exhausted at the end of the day, that you can’t find the energy to talk about anything other than the basics to get through tomorrow. You haven’t felt connected in months or years and you need some help for reconnecting with your partner.
Tip # 1: Put it on your calendar
If you’re waiting for the moment that you’ll have time for a date night or quiet dinner alone, it’s never going to come. It’s so easy for work, family, chores and other obligations to land in our calendar and take up all of our free time. Even if you don’t have the energy to talk about plans yet, ask your partner to pull out their calendar and set time aside to be together. Aim for one to two dates per month to start. Don’t feel obligated to have an entire day where childcare is arranged and chores can be neglected. That’s never coming. Instead, look for one hour where you will prioritize reconnecting over everything else. And then, focus on keeping it simple in those scheduled times. Make it as easy as possible to follow through on the plan to spend time together. Can we have dinner after the kids go to bed? Can we ask the babysitter to come for one hour so we can talk a walk or go shopping together?
Tip # 2: Check your narrative.
What’s the story you tell yourself about your partner or spouse? When he leaves his laundry all over the floor, do you find yourself thinking, “He doesn’t even care that I have to pick this up.” When she forgets to run the dishwasher at night, do you find yourself saying, “She can’t even be bothered to contribute.” If your narrative about your partner has shifted into a negative set of beliefs, you are going to find it harder to reconnect. Take a moment to think of alternative reasons why your partner does or says certain things. If you can find a less negative possible explanation, then consider changing your narrative. This doesn’t mean you have to totally “believe” it in the moment, but allow yourself to explore other possibilities. You are never going to WANT to spend time together if you don’t even LIKE your partner. It’s easy to fall into a negative narrative in long term relationships. Generally this comes about slowly as you spend less time together doing enjoyable things and more time addressing the “chores” of daily life. Marriage counseling or couples counseling can also help change your mindset.
Tip # 3: Change your questions
Most of us greet our partners at the end of the day with “How was your day?” if we can even muster up the energy to ask that question. And the response, almost always “fine.” What do we gain from this brief interaction? What do we learn about our partner, their day, their state of mind? Generally, we get nothing from this and our partner doesn’t feel more cared for or connected with us either. Instead, consider asking a deeper question in those passing moments. “What’s something funny that happened to you today?” or “What’s one thing I can do to make your evening more relaxing?” You might get a strange look the first time you ask, but don’t give up. Let your partner know that you’re trying to change the evening routine and invite them to join you. At the very least, you will learn more about your partner than that they had a “fine” day. If you’re having difficulty finding the emotional energy to make these kinds of exchanges, their might be deeper issues lurking that would benefit from marriage counseling.
Have hope that you can reconnect…
All relationships go through ebbs and flows of intimacy and deeper connection. Adding in family life, work life, and household management can make it even more difficult to find the time and energy to prioritize intimacy. Even couples who have spent years more like co workers that partners have benefitted from marriage counseling and efforts to reconnect with one another.
If you’re struggling with remembering a time your were intimate or why you love your partner at all, it’s time to consider professional support. Marriage counseling is for all couples, not just failing marriages. Often times, things are “working” just fine, but the joy you once experienced has faded away. Marriage counseling forces you to set aside weekly time to invest in your relationship and to rebuild on the foundation you established years ago. Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Couples Counseling and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.