My Partner Has Checked Out
Is There Hope for Us?

You try to talk but he’s distracted, disinterested, checked out.  You want to spend time together, but she’s on her phone, out with friends, or constantly working.  How can you repair the relationship if one person seems completely disinterested?  Is there hope that you can rekindle the flame?  

Life has gotten in the way and now we’re roommates

Couples in long term relationships can find themselves feeling distant, disconnected, or bored.  At the surface, it may feel like your partner has given up on the relationship or that you’ve lost your attraction to your partner.  Under the surface, there are often deeper meanings to your interactions.  Let’s look a little deeper at why partners check out and how they can check back in.    Yes, there is hope for reconnection even after years of disconnect!

Why do partners check out?    

Many of our relationship patterns can be traced back to interactions with our childhood caretakers.  For many this is their mother and father, but this can be any “primary” caretaker that helped shape a person’s understanding of relationships.  These relationship patterns form our adult attachment style and impact our interactions with everybody from bosses to friends to romantic partners.  You can learn more about adult attachment styles here.    

If your partner is checked out, it’s very possible that they had the experience of being alone with their emotions from a young age.  They may have often felt like they were not good enough or wouldn’t have the support they needed, so they began to figure out how to care for themselves.  In adulthood, they may “check out” of the marriage emotionally or intimately.  They might “follow the rules” of staying together, but they have decided they are on their own emotionally.  

When do partners check out?   

Many partners check out when “demands” from their spouse seem impossible to meet.  These demands might not be chores or physical requests, but rather requests for emotional support.  One partner needs somebody to talk to about struggles within or outside of the marriage.  The other partner feels overwhelmed by this need for emotional support or feels they can’t “help.”  The partner becomes upset and distressed as the “I’m not good enough” button gets pushed.   

In another scenario, one partner shares their emotional needs.  The “checking out” partner tries to offer solutions which then fall flat.  Solutions aren’t needed here, but the partner does not understand the request.  Tension builds between the two and the partner offering solutions checks out.  “I can’t fix it for you, so what’s the point of discussing it.”  

Where do we go from here?

It is possible to reconnect as a couple even when one partner has checked out.  First, consider what messages your partner might be getting about him or herself through your interactions.  This doesn’t mean that these internal beliefs are ever your intended message, but communication does travel through our own personal lens of life experience!  Does your partner feel like they aren’t good enough?  Like a failure?  Like you don’t care for them anymore?  

Start a conversation with your partner during a quiet moment of calm.  Use language that focuses on you both as a couple, rather than your partner’s behaviors.  You might start by saying, “I’ve noticed we’ve been distant lately and I want to try to reconnect.”  Then you can elaborate on how important the relationship is to you.  If your partner responds positively (or neutral) to this, you can go on to ask if any of your interactions make them feel unimportant, not good enough, unloved, etc.  Just opening the door to the conversation outside of a moment of tension or arguing can often lead to a deeply intimate conversation. 

What if I don’t feel like I can be the one to start this conversation?  

Intimate relationships require both partners to feel important, loved, and connected.   If you are too hurt, sad, or hopeless to initiate this conversation, it’s likely that some of the interactions in your relationship are triggering your own wounds.  If you are always the partner trying to “fix things” for the other person, you may struggle with co-dependence or a need to fix others’ feelings.  If you are too angry, hurt, or frustrated to even talk, you likely need support to move forward.  

Marriage counseling or Couples Therapy can help you rebuild the connection.  A skilled therapist is there to help you find one another and support one another’s emotional experience.  We don’t take sides and we don’t settle fights.  We help you rebuild stronger on your foundation of love and intimacy.   Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Couples Counseling and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.