How Can I Help My Children Get Along?

Your children are fighting over toys, bickering over the window seat, crying about sharing a room, and generally driving you crazy!  When your children don’t get along, it can feel like you’re failing at parenting.  Rest assured that sibling rivalry is part of family life and an important part of helping your children learn to get along with each other, as well as with peers, teachers, and even future co-workers.  Read on to learn more about normal sibling rivalry and what you can do to help your children get along.  

What is normal sibling rivalry?  

Siblings are often in conflict most of the day, every day.  They are vying for the most valuable resources within the family.  Your attention is at the top of the list of resources children will fight for.  If your children are prone to calling each other names, getting frustrated with sharing their parents, arguing over toys or personal items, and seeking out time away from one another, this is normal sibling rivalry.  Children have control over very little in their lives, but they can try to control who touches their personal belongings, like toys.  This is a common source of sibling rivalry.  They also value parental attention and focus so much that they’re likely to try to make spending time with a sibling less appealing for YOU!  

Does this mean I just have to listen to my children fight?    

No, you absolutely can do some things to help your children get along.  The first step is accepting sibling rivalry as a part of family life.  When children have to navigate conflict with a peer day in and day out, they learn important social skills.  Additionally, they learn that relationships can rupture and repair, over and over again.  Have you ever seen your children giggling one moment, then crying and fighting the next?  Me too!   Inevitably, in time, they will be back to playing together again.  The tips below will help you navigate the never ending sibling conflict and save your sanity! 

Try to stand back and take a few deep breaths    

Standing aside and allowing your children to work out their differences is a great way to help them learn to resolve conflict.  And, while it is great for them, we acknowledge that it can be incredibly difficult for you.  Taking sides and settling fights will only mean one child feels slighted and less important to you.  Whenever possible, stand back and let your children try to resolve a conflict.  However, if the arguing escalates to physical aggression or emotional abuse, it’s time to step in and set some boundaries around acceptable behavior in the family.  When the conflict is primarily yelling, bickering, and negotiating, it’s OK to stand by for a bit.  

If your children come to you to take sides, or can’t seem to work out a difference, you can try a reflect and redirect strategy.   Ask each child to take a turn letting you know the problem.  Reflect back to each of them what you understand the problem to be.  Be careful to use neutral language that shows you understand your child’s point of view.  Then, summarize the conflict at hand and remind your children that they have great negotiation skills.  Then. redirect them to come up with solutions to their own problem.  Here’s an example.  “Becky, I understand that you had the toy first and you don’t want to give your brother a turn.  Ella, I understand that you’ve asked nicely for a turn yesterday and today, and you still haven’t gotten one.  It sounds like you both are really frustrated, but I know that you can come up with a solution that will make both of you happy.  I’m not going to take sides and tell you what to do, but I can help you find a solution.  What do you think would be a fair way to share this toy so everybody gets a turn to enjoy it?”

Try no to compare, even when giving compliments  

Another important strategy to encourage your children to see one another’s good qualities is to focus on those yourself.  If you make a comparison between your children, one child may begin to harbor resentment toward the other.  If Adam is always better at cleaning his room, Timmy might resent Adam for getting all of your attention.  If Timmy needs to “try as hard as Adam in math,” he’s going to really start to have negative feelings toward his brother.   It’s so easy to accidentally compare our children, but they are so sensitive to this indication of your attention and love being directed toward one over the other.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t give out praise or discipline, just keep the siblings’ names away from those comments.  

Make sure everybody’s needs for attention are met

So many family challenges can be solved with a little extra parental attention.  Make sure you set aside time for each child to get one-on-one attention on a weekly basis.  While all kids have differing needs for attention, they all crave and need their parents’ attention!  When was the last time you took one child out for a lunch date or a walk around the block?  Is one child’s sports schedule taking up most of the family’s time?  Is there a child that really seems to not need your attention?  Think again, he probably does.   Not sure if your kids are looking for more time with you?  Ask them!  What’s one thing you’d like to do if you could have time alone with mom or dad?  You might be surprised by how simple their requests are.  

Still worried about your children getting along?  

If you’re still worried about the relationship between your children, there are lots of resources available to you.  We recommend the classic, “Siblings without Rivalry” as a resource to parents working on improving sibling relationships.  We also recommend family therapy when you feel like things could be better.  Don’t wait until the sibling relationship has fully deteriorated.  Get into family therapy today and learn strategies that can build a life long bond between your children.    Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Family Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.