What to Do When a Family Member Hurts You

What should you do when a close family member has hurt you emotionally or mentally?  How can you move forward when your mother, father, sibling, or other close relative has ignored your boundaries or damaged your relationship?

Am I Overreacting? 

We commonly see adults who feel hurt by a relative but they wonder if they’re overreacting or being dramatic.  Usually, the first question we ask is, “When were you told that you were dramatic or overreacting?”  This is often an internalized message from an adult to a child that dismisses the child’s feelings or experience.  While a child’s reactions may seem dramatic to adults, they are generally age appropriate.  When we hear this message repeatedly growing up, we may begin to question our own emotions and accuse ourselves of being dramatic.  

Tell the Story from a Third Person Point of View 

When trying to understand your feelings after a family member has hurt you, we recommend telling the story from a third person point of view.  Pretend you are an unrelated bystander watching the event unfold and explain the story from that person’s point of view.  Writing it down can be even more helpful.  SOoetimes this strategy can help you clear your head and really understand the specific actions or words that were upsetting to you.  Additionally, we generally don’t recommend dismissing your own feelings even if they do seem exaggerated to you.  It’s better to try to understand why you might behaving this reaction to the events that unfolded.  .  

Look for Boundary Violations    

When we’ve been hurt by a family member, it’s often because that family member has crossed a boundary.  You asked for a phone call before your mother comes to visit, but she keeps showing up unannounced.  You let your sister know that your kids can’t have ice cream before bed, but she gives it to them anyway.  You asked for privacy when it comes to your husband’s addiction, but your close relatives have continued to discuss it openly.  When our boundaries are violated, we often feel alone, unheard, and/or misunderstood.  

Figuring Out How to Move Forward 

With some relatives that hurt us, the behaviors are truly unintentional or misguided attempts at being helpful.  Gentle confrontation and clear communication of our needs can be helpful with these family members.  For the examples above, you might say, “Mom, I’m really appreciative of your help but I need you to call before you come over.  We’re not always going to be emotionally ready for company.”  Or “The kids let me know you gave them ice cream before bed.  We love that they have so much fun with you, but we don’t do this because of Bethany’s reflux.”  If you think your relative will respond by dismissing these comments, or worse, by retaliating negatively, then you likely are dealing with some unhealthy relationship patterns.  

What do I do if I have a toxic or unhealthy relative?  

When your relative can’t take gentle confrontation or requests for your own needs to be met, they likely don’t have the capacity to have a healthy relationship with you in this manner.  You will need to consider ways to implement clearer and firmer boundaries to protect yourself from future hurt.  In the case of the mom who drops in unexpectedly, this might mean turning her away at the door and accepting that she may react negatively.  For the sister that doesn’t follow your food rules, that may mean no more sleepovers without mom and dad around.  For the relatives that don’t respect your privacy, you may need to avoid certain family functions or events to protect your privacy.  

Interested in making sure unhealthy relationship patterns don’t repeat themselves in your own family?  We recommend family therapy to address relationships when you start to see problems arise.   Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Family Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.