Why do I feel lonely in my relationship?

You are surrounded by friends at a party, but still feel confused by loneliness or a disconnection from others.  You are finally in a relationship with a partner who loves you and responds to your needs, but you often find yourself feeling like nothing will make you feel deeply connected to your partner.  Sometimes you look for reasons that your partner has let you down, like you have a magnifying glass on all of your partner’s mistakes.  You know these patterns aren’t healthy, but you don’t understand how they developed.  

Loneliness wounds are rooted in our past

If the feeling of loneliness or disconnection from others pops up repeatedly in your life, you may have a loneliness wound.  You likely developed this sense of disconnection from others in your early life interactions with primary caretakers.  Even if you knew you were loved as a child, you may have often felt alone, misunderstood, or disconnected from others.  All people are wired to desire connection with others and this need for physical and emotional closeness is very high in babies in young children.  Without any capacity to organize and understand their emotions, children are reliant on a connection to others to feel safe in the world.  

When was the first time you remember being separated from your primary caretaker?  

Do you recall your first experience of being away from your primary caretakers (mom, dad, or adult responsible for caring for you)?  What images do you see when you think of this first separation?  What feelings come up for you about this separation?  Did you feel excited and safe?  Were nervous?  Terrified?  What did you think about this separation from your child perspective?  As an adult, you may understand that your parents needed to leave you with a babysitter to work or to care for a sick relative, but as a child you may not have had the capacity to understand and process this separation.  That child part may still be stuck in this past experience, unable to grow into the functioning adult you are today.  

Did you prefer to play alone or with others as a child?   

Even if never left physically alone, some children are frequently left alone with their emotions.  Caretakers may respond to emotions (usually sadness, anger, fear) with a dismissive or even hostile response.  Dismissive caretakers might tell the hurt child, “You’re OK – get over it ” or punish an angry child, “I’ll give you something to be angry about.”  These patterns of interaction begin the process of teaching that child that they can’t express their emotions and that the parent can’t help them organize those feelings.   The child will initially feel lonely and rejected.   And then, very frequently, that child will learn to regulate their emotions alone.  

If you were a child that liked to play alone or needed alone time after social interactions, you may have been doing this to regulate your emotions.  With time, this pattern can become self-reinforcing.  Because the child withdraws from social interactions, others respond by not interacting, further reinforcing the child’s loneliness.  

Can I ever feel the deep connection I crave?  

EMDR Therapy can help you explore these attachment relationship wounds and better understand how you got here.  Most of all, EMDR therapy can help you begin to formulate healthier beliefs about yourself in relationship with others.  You can move from “I am all alone” to “I am loved and cared for” through deeper exploration of your emotional experience.   Want to learn more about how EMDR Therapy can help you?  Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. 

To learn more about EMDR Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.