Am I a Good Mom? When Good Enough is Enough
Am I a good Mom? Did I do enough for my children today? Do they know how much I love them? Are there behaviors normal? Are my children going to be OK after my divorce or job loss or car accident? Nobody worries more about being enough than mothers. Motherhood presents the ultimate paradox. Work like you don’t have children but mother like you don’t work. Breastfeed your baby but don’t do it in public. Stay home with your children but send them to a top notch preschool. Sign your kids up for sports, but don’t overstuff their schedules. Keep your house clean, but not too much tablet time! It is no surprise that mothers constantly wonder if they are enough, if they are doing enough, if their best is enough.
The adjustment to motherhood is hard for perfectionists.
I confess to being a recovering perfectionist. The adjustment to motherhood is hard for perfectionists. It cannot be done perfectly. It is parenting whack-a-mole – you solve one problem and another inevitably pops up. A pediatrician and psychoanalyst, D.W. Winnicott, addressed these worries of mothers by encouraging mothers to be “good enough” – responsive enough to their children that they feel loved and nurtured. (You can read more about him here and here.) Perfectionism was never the goal. Wow, this D.W. guy really gets it! When does his book come out? Winnicott professed the idea of the good enough mother in the mid 1900s, long before anybody reading this ever became a mother.
Perhaps it’s comforting to know that mothers through the ages have worried about their parenting, their children, and whether they are getting it right. Civilization has lived on after all. I’d make a case that modern mothers have unique challenges that old D.W. never imagined. We have extraordinary access to information, oftentimes far more than any sane person can process. We also have extremely limited access to a community of other mothers. Childcare is often inaccessible, not affordable, or fraught with anxiety over trusting others to care for your children. Many mothers live far from their own mothers or other family that could be helpful. They’re often navigating the wild waters of motherhood alone or with just the support of a partner, who is generally also overwhelmed and exhausted!
Not sure if you’re a good enough mother? Join the club
In my practice with mothers, I am regularly amazed at the strength, resilience and shear force of women in the caretaking role. In my eyes, they are all more than enough, always doing their very best to nurture healthy humans. Their struggles are human and centered around love for their children and, dare I say, love for themselves. And so, I founded the Good Enough Moms Club. You are already a member just by asking the question, Am I a Good Mom? If you are asking this question, you are self-reflecting, the secret sauce to therapeutic progress that we therapists love to see.
If you’ve ever wondered if you’re enough, sign up for the Good Enough Moms Club Newsletter below. We’ll send you a list of ways you are enough and provide you with access to free resources, directly in your inbox, to connect with your inner strength as a mom! We’ll never flood your inbox and you can opt out at any time.
Still struggling with parenting insecurity? Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Parenting Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.