Did I cause my miscarriage? Dealing with guilt
Miscarriage is so often an ambiguous loss – one that is grieved alone or without traditional grief rituals. Many women wonder, Did I cause my miscarriage? Was it the glass of wine I had in week four or maybe I didn’t eat enough ? Maybe it was my work stress or too much exercise? While miscarriage occurs in approximately 12% of pregnancies, it is very common to wonder if you had some way of preventing your loss.
Guilt and grief go hand-in-hand
With a miscarriage, you will feel grief as you would with any other loss. After the loss of a loved one, many people wonder if they could have prevented the loss. Perhaps if I called my dad that morning, he wouldn’t have gotten in the car. Maybe if I told my husband to go to the doctor, they would have caught the heart issue sooner. These “what if” thoughts are a sign that your mind is trying to understand the loss. The loss of an unborn baby is exceptionally confusing because their rarely is a clear explanation.
The search for responsibility
When we undergo a painful experience, we naturally search for a responsible party. Who or what caused me this pain? In the event of a miscarriage, the cause is often unclear. Inevitably, women blame themselves as they feel responsible for protecting the embryo. According to the March of Dimes, most miscarriages are caused by genetic anomalies, but this is little comfort to would-be parents.
If I am the cause, I can prevent it from happening again
Often, our minds seek to understand the cause of an event in order to prevent that event from happening again. If we know why something happened, we can avoid it in the future. In simple scenarios, such as losing our car keys, this logic is pretty effective. However, in the case of grief and loss, knowing the cause rarely means we could prevent the painful loss. Often, our minds look to understand what steps we could have taken to prevent the miscarriage in hopes that we never suffer another loss.
If it’s not my fault, how do I move on?
Googling and researching whether you caused your miscarriage may lead to a barrage of confusing and anxiety-provoking information, most of which won’t apply to you. When dealing with grief, we are most comforted by the rituals of grief with which we are familiar and the emotional supports we can rely on. Don’t allow your feelings of guilt to prevent you from reaching out to others for support. Give yourself permission to engage in grieving rituals of your choice. Most of all, listen to your feelings. If you find yourself feeling guilty, it is best to say to yourself, “I feel guilty. I wish that I could have prevented this pain.” We may have a tendency to dismiss our feelings, “The doctor said it’s not my fault. Why am I torturing myself?” While it’s important to reality check your beliefs, it’s never helpful to shame yourself for how you feel.
If your feelings of grief are too much to bear, therapy may help. Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about therapy for miscarriage and infant loss and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.