Responding to Hurtful Comments About Miscarriage

First, honor your pain

First, honor your pain by acknowledging your attachment to your baby, your plans for your future, and the grief of not being able to build on that relationship.  If you have not yet found a way to honor the loss, consider what might help you feel as if your special relationship with your unborn baby has been acknowledged.  Unlike the loss of a friend or relative, the loss of a baby in utero is often lacking in the traditions that bring loved ones together to share memories and honor the person who has passed.  You may not have shared memories with others, but you still may feel relief in honoring the special relationship and hopes and dreams you had for your baby.  For some, this means creating a special memorial in the home or in an outdoor space.  For others, it’s writing a letter to their baby, expressing the love they have for this child-to-be.  Others choose to purchase a special piece of jewelry or embroidered blanket to honor your baby’s name or due date.

Whatever choice you make, do not allow yourself to believe that because your loss is not a public one or a collective loss to many, that your grief is any less important.  There are not feelings you “should” or “should not” have in this moment.  Listen to the feelings and allow yourself to express them.

When avoidance is functional

Most therapists will caution you against avoiding situations that are difficult, instead trying to arm you with coping skills to face the difficulty.  One major exception to this rule is when a person is deep in raw grief or trauma.  We first must process and grieve before we can be expected to climb new mountains.  If you know that attending  baby shower is going to cause incredible emotional pain, it’s perfectly okay to decline that invitation to allow yourself time to heal.  If you have a friend who talks endlessly about her newborn, you may want to take a break from weekend brunches for a period of time while you process and grieve.  Do not feel that you need to force yourself into painful social situations after a recent miscarriage or loss.  Part of coping with a miscarriage is allowing yourself time, space, and quiet to grieve.  

Respond to Hurtful Comments about Miscarriage with a Canned Response

When staying home isn’t an option or the benefits of connecting socially outweigh the desire to avoid, it’s helpful to come up with a few canned responses.  For the classic, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” a simple “Thank you” can be enough.  The commenter in this situation likely wants to offer acknowledgement of your loss but really doesn’t know what to say.  No need to respond with “It’s OK” because it certainly isn’t OK.  A “Thank You” expresses appreciation as well as a desire to end the conversation.  

For comments and questions that are prying or dismissive of your experience, such as “Are you going to try again soon?” it might be necessary to take a more assertive approach.  Some women prefer a response such as, “We’re still grieving the baby we lost” or “We’re opting to keep our plans private.”  If you are worried that your comment may seem rude, remember that the person asking didn’t think about how your feelings may be hurt.  You are not required to protect their feelings and you want a solid conversation-ender here. “I know you’re trying to be positive, but that comment really doesn’t help,” might be the best response for some situations.  

Another commenter that can be difficult to manage is the woman who wants to process her own trauma and loss through you.  She may tell you stories about her own miscarriages or want to discuss your experience in detail to see how it relates to her own.  If this sort of conversation is not comforting to you, you can simply respond that you aren’t ready to talk about this yet.  Or, if she’s detailing her own experience, you might state, “I’ve learned that the less I know about other’s experiences, the more I can focus on my own healing.”  Finally, “I’m really not comfortable talking about this” is also perfectly acceptable.  

When your partner wants you to “get over” your miscarriage 

At times, women find that their partner has a very different grief experience than they do.  Perhaps their partner had not yet bonded with the baby, developed attachments, or allowed themselves to fantasize about the future.  Your partner may want to try again right away but you simply aren’t ready.  Some partners make hurtful comments, such as, “You need to get over it” or “You’re being ridiculous.”   If you have a partner that is willing to discuss your thoughts  and feelings, this is a time to share why you are grieving- you had an attachment to this child, you had planned for your future, and so on.  If your partner is dismissive of your feelings or invalidates your experience, it might be helpful to consider whether your partner reacts similarly in other situations.  Could this negative reaction be his or her way of grieving?  Or is your partner struggling to empathize with you in other areas?  This is a great topic for a therapy session!

If your grief feels stuck or you feel unseen….

If your grief feels stuck or you feel unseen, it may be helpful to talk with a therapist about your experience.  Having a supportive therapist with experience in grief and loss, especially pregnancy loss, can help alleviate some of the discomfort, process some of the social and emotional challenges, and provide a path forward.  You should never be expected to grieve on a specific timeline or “get over” a loss, but therapy is a tool that can help you process your emotions.

If you’re interested in learning how therapy can help you cope with miscarriage and infant loss, please pick up the phone (973-527-4539) or send us a message. You can read more about how Skylands Wellness can help those coping with miscarriage and infant loss below: