How Trauma Changes our Beliefs about Ourselves
Our thoughts, our inner voice, are shaped by our experiences. Many times, we become so accustomed to hearing our inner voice that we don’t even notice the messages we receive all day long. When you step in gum walking on the sidewalk, do you think, “Oh, that’s some bad luck.” Or perhaps you think, “Why does this stuff always happen to me?! ” Or worse, do you wonder, “Why is everybody so rude and inconsiderate?” The way we think about an incident like this is not only shaped by the sort of mood we’re in at that moment, but it also can shape how we view the world, ourselves, and our relationships.
If you tend to fall into the “why me?” camp or the “people are rude” camp, this isn’t a character flaw. It’s likely a result of your past experiences. Imagine a child who has a highly critical parent. From birth, that parent is noting how their child falls short. They walked late, their teething was worse than other children, they were clingy when they started kindergarten, they didn’t try hard enough in school, they went to community college instead of a university, etc. Day in and day out, that child gets the message that he is falling short of the expectations of his parent, the one person he is wired to depend on and rely on. He starts to believe “I’m not good enough.” And further, when things go wrong in his life, he immediately believes it’s because he’s not good enough. He doesn’t get on the baseball team and this reinforces his belief that he’s not good enough. He gets into a fender bender and the inner voice says, “See you don’t know what you’re doing.” He starts to wonder, “Why me? Why do I always end up in these bad situations? I’m not good enough.”
Now imagine another child. She’s born into a family where the parents are suffering from Addiction. When she cries, many times, she isn’t fed. When she wants to engage with her mother, many times the mother is high and does not respond. As she grows, she learns to care for herself. She does her own homework because mom isn’t available or dad might fly into a rage. A younger sibling comes along, and she takes on the responsibility of preparing meals or getting the sibling dressed for the day. Day in and day out, she gets the message that people cannot be trusted. And underlying this internal belief that message that people cannot be trusted is the belief, “I am all alone.” This child grows into a a perfectionist adult who struggles to rely on others. When she steps in the gum, she thinks, “People are so rude and inconsiderate.” But beneath that thought is the deep belief that “I am all alone.” People don’t even care enough about me to spit their gum in the garbage. Of course, when she discovers these internal messages in therapy, she realizes that the gum on the ground has nothing to do with her. But the pain persists.
Uncovering the beliefs that hold you back…
Most people know if their internal messages tend to be on the negative side. But uncovering the underlying belief, or the core belief, and how it got there can be much more difficult. The children described above also had countless positive memories mixed in too. From an outsider’s perspective, it’s easy to see how these internal beliefs developed, but we didn’t list all of the wonderful things about their parents. Maybe the parents are sober now. Maybe the critical mother was also anxious and just wanted to make sure her child was prepared for the world. All of the details become the weeds that prevent clarity and make developmental trauma survivors wonder, “Are my memories really accurate?”
If you find yourself having a negative mindset and you can’t seem to stop despite trying to focus on the positive, then you may benefit from trauma therapy. Our goal in trauma therapy is not to create negative memories to explain your current thoughts. Our goal is to help you make connections and new “Neural Networks” that are more adaptive to the present day. You developed associations in your brain as a child based on your experiences and the skills and tools you needed to get through those experiences. Often, in adulthood, we find that those beliefs and negative connections hold us back. But it can be difficult to figure out what brought them about and how to change them. In trauma therapy, your therapist can help you explore your memories, positive and negative, and make sense of your core beliefs. From there, your therapist will help you build new “neural networks” or associations between your experiences and your beliefs.
Trauma therapy takes time and effort
Many therapies, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, have been shown to be effective in the short term. We can muscle through changing our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. But if we have long-set associates and well established neural networks that were once adaptive and no longer are, we can quickly fall back into old habits, old beliefs that hold us back. In these cases, you need more than cognitive-behavioral treatment. Don’t get us wrong, CBT can be a wonderful treatment and is generally incorporated into all psychotherapy in one way or another. But if you want to go deeper than your thoughts or feelings in the here and now, and you want to make connections between you past experiences and your present symptoms, consider trauma therapy to treat you depression, anxiety, irritability, or mood changes.
Trauma therapy takes time and effort. There aren’t many valuable life experiences that don’t have a component of effort and difficulty. Having children is wonderful, but it’s the hardest job you’ll ever have. Making a career change to a job with more responsibility is terrifying, but often leaves us feel more fulfilled. Similarly, with trauma treatment, we find that the effort and investment leaves our clients feeling more meaningfully connected to themselves and others.
If you can’t figure out your negative beliefs or you want to process your past experiences…
If you can’t figure out your negative beliefs or you want to process your past experiences, look for a therapist that has a trauma informed approach and a deep understanding of the impact of life experiences on present day functioning. “Trauma informed” has become a buzz word in the mental health community. It’s important to explore with your provider what “Trauma Informed” means to them. Ask your therapist about treating adults with your symptoms and how they think those symptoms can be linked to the past. At Skylands Wellness, we always explore the past as part of the treatment for present day symptoms. If the past is playing a role, we want to help you make those connections and find ways to develop new and more adaptive neural networks. We provide a free 15 minute phone consultation to explore what’s going on and help you make a decision about what you will find helpful to move forward. During that call, we’ll ask you what you need support with and explore treatment options.
If you’re on the fence or unsure about how trauma therapy might help, we want you to pick up the phone (973-527-4539) or send us a message. There is no harm in reaching out and no obligation to come to therapy if you decide it’s not for you. We really do believe we can help you heal and live your best life! To learn more about Trauma Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.