What does postpartum depression feel like?

You don’t feel quite like yourself, like your whole world has been turned upside down, but you’re still grateful and in love with your baby.  Or perhaps you feel like this baby is a stranger in your arms and you’re longing for the freedoms you had before.  Are these thoughts normal?  Is this what postpartum depression feels like?  Can postpartum therapy help me?

I thought moms with postpartum depression what to harm their babies 

The desire to harm your baby is generally not a symptom of postpartum depression and is more common with postpartum psychosis.  While it is true that some women become so depressed that they harm themselves and their baby, women with postpartum depression are at far greater risk to themselves than to their child.  That being said, many moms with postpartum depression do have thoughts of harming their baby or harm coming to their baby.  These are typically classified as “intrusive thoughts” as the mother finds them distressing and upsetting.  She doesn’t want to do these things and she often feels bad for having the thought at all.  Postpartum therapy can help you understand whether you are experiencing intrusive thoughts and how to manage them.  

Then what does postpartum depression feel like?  Three case examples.

It’s difficult to find a straight answer to this question.  You can find a list of symptoms, but not a description of the internal experience of postpartum depression.  The symptom of lack of motivation may feel like your body weighs 1,000 pounds to one mother, while another mother might say that she just doesn’t care how much laundry piles up anymore.  Because it’s so hard to explain these very individual experiences, we’re going to provide a snapshot of postpartum depression from a few mothers below.  These are examples based on a compilation of many mothers’ experiences.  

I’m the worst mother in the world. 

I look at my baby in the hospital basinet and he feels like a stranger to me.  I can objectively see that he’s an attractive baby but I don’t feel instant love or that protective instinct.  I’ve heard this happens sometimes so I dismiss the thoughts.  When hospital visitors come, I lie and say I feel great.  I don’t.  I feel disgusting, both physically and mentally – for the negative thoughts I’m having.  I hated my birth and it wasn’t even that bad.  

When we get home from the hospital, I feel numb.  I’m going through the motions.  People come to visit and I don’t even have the energy to think about whether that’s something I want.  When the baby cries, I feel like a failure.  I can’t help him.  I can’t get the breastfeeding to work but the thought of calling for help is completely overwhelming.  My husband goes to play golf and I sob- I hate being stuck alone in this house but I can’t stand the thought of leaving.  I look at the baby and think, “You’d be better off with a different mother.”   I wonder if anybody would even care if I were gone.  I don’t want to be gone but I can’t remember what it was that made me want to live.  I’m the worst mother in the world.

I hate everybody.  Leave me alone.  

My baby was born 5 months ago.  She’s sleeping pretty well and I thought I’d feel like I had my life together by now.  I don’t.  I feel like everything is completely out of control.  If I’m not staying up until midnight doing chores, than nothing gets done.  I absolutely adore my baby, but I’m secretly in constant rage about the other adults in my life.  They can’t see how utterly exhausted I am, how hard it is for me to get out of bed in the morning, or how much chaos is going on in our lives.  Truthfully, I miss working and coming home to a routine.  I dread the evenings when she cries the most.  I want a break from it but I don’t trust anybody else to provide her with the care she needs.  

Sometimes, I know I’m “overreacting” when I lash out on my partner.  But other times, I think he really deserves it!  He’s just sitting around watching television and relaxing while I carry the burden of all of the ways our lives have changed.  I look at other moms and this seems to come so easily to them.  I’m legitimately fake smiling when we leave the house and I can’t wait to get home to crawl back into bed.  I’m constantly worried that she’ll cry in public, meltdown in the car, freak out in the doctor’s office waiting room.  What if I can’t make it stop and everybody will see how bad of a mom I am?  Why is everybody better at this than me?  I hate everybody.  I just want them to all leave me alone with my baby.  

I don’t feel anything anymore.  What if I’m broken? 

My birth was traumatic – they lost the baby’s heartbeat and rushed me into an emergency c-section.  I felt shear panic and then I just stopped feeling anything.  They asked me if I wanted to see her and I said “yes” because that was the “right” answer.  But I was really thinking, “No, keep her away!”  Ever since that emergency c-section, I’ve been completely numb.  Sometimes I wake up at night in total panic.  Sometimes I see my mother look at my daughter with loving eyes and I feel awful because I can’t look at her that way.

I’ve let everything fall apart at home and I don’t care.  I’ve never been this way before.  I was organized and tidy, all of her baby clothes were lined up by size in her closet, just waiting for her to arrive.  And now, I can barely even get myself dressed in the morning, let alone put cute outfits on my daughter.  I am so ashamed of how I feel.  I can’t admit this to anybody.  What kind of a person feels nothing for their child?  But also, I’m terrified.  What if I’m broken forever and I never feel like myself again?  What kind of a life will I have if I can never get back to feeling joy.  

If these stories hit close to home, reach out for help.

Postpartum therapy can help you recover from postpartum depression, feel confident as a parent, love yourself, and begin to feel joy again.  With postpartum therapy, you can begin the journey toward loving your life as a parent.  With a skilled postpartum therapist, you can feel the cloud of depression lifting.   We can help you rebuild your identity, process birth traumas, and find your groove as a mom.  Babies are always welcome in our sessions, too.  Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Postpartum Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.