5 Ways Infertility Affects Relationships

How does infertility affect intimate relationships? Here are five ways couples report their relationship changed with their infertility experience

Couples report that the stress of infertility has an impact on their relationships. This little discussed issue leaves many couples feeling as if they are alone with their conflicts. While in the long term, many couples find this struggle may bring them closer together, infertility can bring high distress, strain and conflict for couples struggling with infertility today.

Changes in the bedroom

Couples experiencing infertility experience major changes in the joy and spontaneity of their sex lives. Even before a diagnosis, many couples find themselves scheduling sexual intimacy in an attempt to get pregnant. Once infertility treatment enters the picture, couples lose privacy around their sex lives, sharing intimate details with medical providers and being asked to time sex according to treatment timelines. These changes leave many couples feeling less romantically and intimately connected.

Financial Strain

Arguing about money is nothing new in intimate relationships. However, the cost of infertility treatments are an unexpected financial burden that most couples never planned for. Many report feeling more financial stress, less security about the financial future, and more disagreements about finances surrounding infertility treatments. Any sudden and unexpected costs will place strain on intimate relationships. With infertility treatment, these costs can be substantial and can impact a couples plans for the future, including whether they have more children, when they will retire, and how much they will contribute to their children’s college education.

Medical treatments and resentment

With an infertility diagnosis, one partner (generally the female in male-female partnerships), will undergo extensive testing and medical treatments. These treatments place additional strains on that partner’s time, physical wellbeing, and emotional wellbeing. Often, the partner undergoing treatment will report feelings of resentment bubbling up, even when the treatments are desired. Unfortunately, there is no way to make infertility treatment spread equally among partners. Instead, discussing these feelings and finding ways to offer support will help relieve some of the resentment.

Grieving the loss of the life you envisioned

So few people talk about the grief experienced with an infertility diagnosis. You had a vision of starting a family together and infertility treatments were not a part of that vision. Couples experiencing infertility often experiencing the same feelings as those experiencing the death of a loved one. You haven’t lost a loved one, but you’ve had so many other losses. While watching friends and family members become pregnant, the pangs of grief can hit hard. Many couples find it hard to talk about these feelings and to process their grief together. A sense of isolation can develop and drive a wedge between loving partners.

Disagreements on how to go forward

When an infertility diagnosis is received, couples can disagree on how to move forward. Many of these disagreements surround how far to go with treatment, how much to spend on treatments, and how many children to have. However, another common area of disagreement surrounds who to talk to and how much to share. Sometimes, feelings of shame and embarrassment can lead one partner to want to keep more of the infertility experience private while another partner may feel social support would be helpful. There is no right answer here and it’s a disagreement no couple prepares for. However, it’s important to note that infertility is never your fault and feelings of shame are not warranted. Regardless, a desire for privacy can make sense when sharing details can mean exposing your private health information and feeling “under the microscope” when interacting with loved ones. Meanwhile, wanting social support and a space to vent outside of the marriage is also completely understandable!

How can couples stay close when experiencing infertility?

Couples experiencing infertility are not doomed to a distant or strained relationship. It’s important for couples to discuss their feelings openly and to offer one another validation without being able to solve the problem. With complicated problems like infertility, there is often no solution that will easily alleviate feelings of sadness, loss, frustration, anger, and grief. Nonetheless, couples can build a stronger relationship through open communication of feelings. Additionally, couples can work to maintain the parts of the relationship that bring them joy. Even though you may not feel like going out on dates or planning trips, remember to continue to schedule time to do the things you always enjoyed together.

When conflicts and disagreements are creating distance, couples therapy can be helpful to explore each partner’s emotional needs. Couples therapy allows a safe space for each partner to discuss their individual experience of infertility and how they envision the future. When conflicts arise, your couples therapist can help you navigate those conflicts without losing the bond that brought you together.

For individuals and couples struggling with the grief and loss, anger and frustration of infertility, infertility therapy can help you process these feelings. Rates of depression are markedly higher for women experiencing infertility. Infertility therapy can help address these concerns and help you pave a path forward, regardless of the outcomes of your treatment.

Interested in learning more about couples therapy or infertility therapy? Call us today for a free 15 minute phone consultation. To learn more about Infertility Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.