Am I a Bad Mom for Losing My Temper?

Mom guilt hits hard.  Despite the noise and over stimulation that comes with motherhood, you try your best to be calm and patient with your children.  But you can only tolerate so many hours of crying, so many tantrums, so many interruptions before you lose your cool.  You already know this isn’t great for your kids, but how do you help yourself feel better when you lose it on your kids?  

Kids are just really loud

First, we can acknowledge the universal truth that motherhood is a noisy, stressful, over-stimulating job.  All moms have moments of overwhelm with competing demands, interruptions and loud noises.   Some of us have a higher need for quiet and alone time to regulate our own emotions.  When things get out of hand, staying calm can be extremely hard.  

I can’t get past my guilt for yelling at my kid 

If you’re surrounded by mommy influencers, you know that positive parenting encourages validating emotions and staying calm when emotions are strong.  However, this is so much harder than it seems.  The research on healthy attachment is encouraging.  Parents who are regulated, responsive, and validating just 30% of the time have children with secure attachment.  If this less than patient response is not your norm, then you’re likely feeling worse than your child and no harm has come from your moment of impatience.  First, give yourself permission to be less than perfect.  In fact, making a mistake and making repairs with your child can actually improve attachment.  

Practice Rupture and Repair 

All healthy relationships have moments of disconnection, known in the attachment world as “rupture.”  These ruptures are actually a necessary part of developing secure attachment because they create the opportunity for repair.  Not that we’re encouraging intentional mistakes, but their is a need to make those mistake even in the relationship with your child.  This creates the perfect opportunity for repair.   

What does repair look like?  For an infant, repair is returning to nurturing and protective parenting, skin to skin contact, and emotionally regulated response.  For a toddler, try simply saying “Mommy didn’t mean to yell.  I love you.”  As children get older, a few more words might be helpful.  “Sometimes we say things we don’t mean when we’re stressed or upset.  I’m sorry for the words I said.  I love you.”  But truly, no matter the age, make the repair and move on.  Don’t put pressure on your child to forgive you or tell you “it’s ok.”  If they want to talk to you more about it, keep the door open.  However, any more than three sentences turns this interaction into a lecture or pressure for your child to take care of your guilty feelings.   

Guilty feelings don’t mean bad mom 

If your guilty feelings often lead you to feeling like a bad mom, you’re likely struggling more with shame than guilt.  Guilt is the feeling we get when we do something wrong or hurt somebody.  This can be healthy because it reminds us that we don’t want to do that behavior.  However, guilt can quickly become shame.  Shame is believing “I am bad.”  When you feel guilty, acknowledge the feeling.  Practice saying “I wish I hadn’t done that” and move on.  If your thoughts start to slip into shame, remind yourself to correct those thoughts.  “Good moms make mistakes.”  Shame degrades our sense of self and can lead to depression and anxiety.  

If you’re struggling with feelings of shame or overwhelming mom guilt, therapy for parents can help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings.  With the help of our experienced parenting therapists, we can guide you to a more self-assured approach to motherhood without the constant guilt.  We want all moms to see their “goodness” and value to their children. To learn more about Parent Therapy and how Skylands Wellness can help, click here.